


Anxiety

by sowidsnake



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Alternate Universe - Domestic, Angst, Anxiety, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, ON HIATUS (indefinitely), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, slow burn??? maybe?? a little
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-20
Updated: 2019-05-29
Packaged: 2019-11-26 08:06:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18178055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sowidsnake/pseuds/sowidsnake
Summary: David and Hal have been friends online for a few years. They met on an anxiety support page, immediately taking interest in each other. Then, David and his girlfriend, Meryl, broke up because of David's emotional distance. Homeless, he travelled a few states over to live with Hal.





	1. Flashbacks

David pulled the covers over his head. A war vet, sleeping was always really hard for him. But this time, he didn’t know why, but it’s been even harder. He suspected it was his new anxiety medication, but he wasn’t sure. He tried to curl up with his knees against his chest, hoping he’d find a new security in the small position. He didn’t. Sighing, David took the covers off again, and stared at the ceiling. He hated nights, alone, so utterly alone. If he hadn’t left Meryl… No, he shouldn’t think about that right now, not in this state. Now he lived with Hal, a computer programmer he met online in an anxiety support forum.

Hal and Dave were good friends before they even met, thanks to the internet. When Hal found out that David’s girlfriend was kicking him out, he offered for him to stay with him. David had to travel a few states over in his truck with all of his things, but it wasn’t like he was leaving anything behind anyways. His mom left his family when he was young, and only ever had his dad, but he died in the war, fighting beside David. He felt like he was nobody at that point. It was too much for him to handle, so he shut everyone out and kept to himself, that’s why Meryl left him. 

But Hal, he was different. He actually felt like someone understood him, like someone cared about him. It was hard for him to open up, but he had a soft spot for the younger man and let emotions fly free when he was with him. There was a knock at his door. “Are you okay Dave?” He had been sobbing. He didn’t really want Hal to see him crying right now. “Yeah, I guess,” He tried to keep from sounding like a sniffling baby. “Are you sure? Do you want to talk about it?” Do I want to talk about it? He did. “Yeah, okay, I’ll be out in a minute Hal,”

David pulled himself out of bed and slipped into a t-shirt and sweatpants. It was almost painful to move when he felt so helpless. All of his emotions he pushed down came up and made his fingers and chest ache. Trudging out to the couch was such a hard task, and at that point he regretted even getting up. He checked his phone for the time. 2 am. Great. He was too emotionally vulnerable and it was too early in the morning for them to get personal. He had to work in the morning. Hal was sitting in the recliner, in a way that made it look like he was a bride being held by the groom, er, recliner. The legrest wasn’t out. David didn’t say anything.

Hal waited patiently for Dave to initiate conversation. He tried to avoid eye contact with the programmer in an attempt to forget he even got out of bed. Hal finally broke the silence. “So, can't sleep?” David nodded, and unlocked his phone to do something brainlessly so he could continue to avoid the obvious. “So you said you wanted to talk about it, but now you have anxiety about opening up?” He nodded again. This wasn’t easy. He wanted to open up, but he was afraid he’d scare Hal away, despite him opening up online and letting all of his emotional baggage drop on the poor young man. 

“Would… Would you want to try texting about it? You can go back to your room and into your bed.” David liked the idea of texting. “We can do that, but I don’t feel safe enough to be alone…” Hal gave him a patient smile. “Don’t worry, I know what you mean.” He got off the recliner to sit on the couch next to Dave. Being next to the tall man made the tension he was holding melt away, and a soft warmness overcome him. 

David: Sorry about the hassle

Hal: it’s fine i don’t mind, i just want you to feel better

Hal: also you’re an ugly crier

David laughed.

Hal: anyways… what’s up?

David: I just feel so lonely, like I’ll never love again, like nobody will ever want me. It’s been so hard after my father. After Meryl. I just have nightmare after nightmare after nightmare, every night is a struggle. 

Hal: i’m sorry. is there any way i can help?

David: I’m not sure, I just feel so helpless and I don’t want to sleep ever again

Hal: well, you felt better when i sat next to you, would you feel better sleeping in the same room? maybe same bed? with pillows between ofc

David nodded. Sleeping next to someone he could trust was probably the best he could do without getting an unnecessary boost of strength in his useless medications. Hal stood and began toward David’s bedroom, rubbing his eyes and yawning. Dave sighed and stood. This would be good for him he thought, it’d be best to suck up his pride and sleep next to someone who could calm his nightmares. He didn’t need another therapy appointment where they give him more medication. It was eating his insides.

Hal had set a pillow in the middle of the bed to make David feel more comfortable. Hal knew how sensitive David was about his masculinity and sexuality. He wasn’t necessarily phobic, but he definitely didn’t like to think about anything other than tits. He didn’t want to. Personally, Hal didn’t really mind, or rather, didn’t care about his sexuality. He had always told himself that if he was loved, he’d be happy. David let his sweatpants fall and pulled his shirt off before throwing it to the corner of the dark, cold room. He slipped into the bed and pulled the covers over his head again. 

After a few hours of sleep, Hal was woken up by Dave thrashing and wailing. He could feel the pure terror in his voice, and it gave him chills. He sat up and shook him to wake him. He wouldn’t wake up, so Hal shook him harder. “David, hey, it’s okay.” He whispered in a soothing voice, and Dave opened his fear filled eyes. He sat up and buried his face in his hands and sobbed. He tried to say something, but it was muffled by his dobs and hands. Hal spread his arms welcome and warmly, telling him it’d be okay, that he’s safe. He accepted the hug.

David pressed into the young man, crying into his chest as Hal stroked his hair softly. Hal tossed the pillow separating them to the side and laid down, offering to spoon the soldier. “I mean, only if you’re comfortable with it. I don’t want to push anything too far.” David wasn’t sure about the offer. Hal understood, and Dave laid back down too, still sniffling. It was really nice to be comforted in that way, instead of being told to be a man and suck it up. For a minute, he thought about the offer Hal had made him. He knew he’d be better off with his arm over him to soothe anything that happened. He finally reached around and pulled Hal’s arm over him, and he could feel him smile. “Shut up,” and Hal laughed.

\------------------------------

David woke to Hal sitting on the end of the bed, rushing to get his clothes on. He rubbed his eyes. “Awake sleepyhead?” Hal threw a shirt at him. “Good, get ready, you’re gonna be late!” He swore at himself. His phone was on the charger on his stand, Hal must’ve plugged it in for him. He pulled himself up out of bed, and when he stood, his body felt like it was being held down by barbels. He stumbled a bit. Hal was already dressed at this point, and David was securing his belt. He checked the time. 8:40. He swore again. Hal rushed him out into the kitchen and gave him his bagged lunch and then continued to rush him out to the car. It reminded him of his mom.

Hal started their crappy little car and pulled out of their driveway, Hal had to drive him because the truck was in the shop, and David pulled a chocolate hostess cupcake from his lunch. Hal grabbed it from him and shoved it back into the bag. “Not a breakfast food.” He mumbled, focused on getting to David’s job as fast as he could. He worked at an office job. It was some stupid mindless job he didn’t need to think about much, but it let his mind wander sometimes. Hal pulled up to the office and let Dave out of the car. “Have a good day at work, call me when you’re out!” He gave him an encouraging smile. It made David smile back like a stupid idiot.

Hal worked from home, he had people commission him for artwork and send in computers for him to program and fix. It didn’t bring in enough to pay off the tiny, dingy little house he bought, but it was nice to have David around to help him with the payments. He liked David a lot, and he gave him something to live for. He loved David, he wanted to help his flashbacks and nightmares, and make him feel good and happy. Whether it was spooning him at night to keep him from having nightmares, or putting on his sailor moon cosplay to make him laugh, Hal loved seeing him feeling safe or comfortable.

Hal had feelings for David, and really didn’t make any effort to hide it. The soldier was oblivious to his feelings, of course. Spooning him last night was the closest he’d get to making any advances on him. And at that point, it wasn’t romantic. He didn’t want it to be romantic. All that was important to him at that moment in time was David’s happiness and safety. He had always liked Dave, for years, even before he knew what he looked like. After he had shared his instagram, that was another story. He spent hours on his instagram, refreshing it for another selfie, another post. For a little while, he had an unhealthy obsession with him, masturbating to the shirtless beach selfies, and even planned on getting him to break up with his girlfriend.

But then, one day, all of his pictures with Meryl disappeared. His last login on the anxiety forum was a week prior, and Hal was worried. When he informed Hal that he was living in his truck, Hal paypaled him money for gas and told him he could live with him. He moved all of his belongings into a tiny little room, almost a closet, just so the retired soldier he loved dearly could have a comfortable space he could call his own. David cried for a few hours after he had moved all of his stuff inside, and Hal held his hand while he did. Hal realized in that moment that he didn’t need to be romantically involved with Dave to be happy. He just wanted to support him and keep him safe. 

And that’s what Hal had been doing the past month. He was happy comforting David while his guard was down, he was happy making dinner by himself and doing David’s laundry on days where his mental health was shit. He still occasionally touched himself to Dave, but only when he couldn’t hold himself back anymore. The cold shower he had when he got home was no acception. Spending the night against David’s muscular body had got him worked up and made him hot and heavy. It was difficult for him to keep from grinding into him the night before, but he knew that if he did, David would choke him to death.


	2. Cupcakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David has a cupcake in his lunch, and Hal picks him up from work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to spoil anything in the tags so
> 
> SPOILER ALERT/TRIGGER WARNING!!!
> 
> Hal and David get in a car crash!! hahahah i like to suffer :)

David finally opened his chocolate cupcake after calling Hal. He sunk his teeth in and savored the sweetness he didn’t really normally like much. He only really liked the intense sweetness when his nightmares and flashbacks got bad. They hurt his teeth. He was never taken to the dentist as a child, and now his teeth were paying for it. The cream in the center of the cupcake grounded the sweetness so well, it neutralized the intense chocolate with a smooth but still sweet flavor. Hal crossed his mind, the sweet man who was always so kind to him. He was always neutral ground, something he could come back to that would never hurt. His sweet smiles and kind words always made him feel safe.

Hal pulled up to the office and into a parking space that Dave was standing in front of. He smiled, and David popped the last bite of cupcake in his mouth. He got into the car. It was nice and warm. “How was your day, David?” Hal asked, pulling out of the parking lot. “It was alright, a coworker dropped a few books and it was a really loud noise.” Hal’s brow furrowed. “You didn’t have a flashback, did you?” David shook his head. “No, I did some breathing exercises we practiced.” 

Hal loved it when David practiced some coping mechanisms with him and actually applied them to his real life. He had an entire folder saved full of gifs meant for breathing exercises, and sent them to David when he was having an attack or flashback. The ride home was mostly peaceful and quiet, and Dave had a contented look on his face for the first time in a long time. In that moment, Hal was happy. Everything was safe, and the light of his life felt good. It wasn’t too long before Hal sunk into the peacefulness and smiled to himself.

The next moment happened without warning. In an instant. Neither of the two men registered it until it was over. Weightlessness, glass, metal. Metallic crushing sounds. The car was flying through the air, everything was in slow motion. Hal saw the absolute terror and hopelessness in David’s eyes and it hurt his heart. He felt stupid to think that he could protect him, that anything could become of them. The airbags deployed, and the car landed on it’s side. David’s side. Hal panicked.

He unbuckled his seat belt and pulled himself out of the car through the shattered sunroof, the glass ripping his shirt and cutting his stomach. He couldn’t stand. He reached back in to help David unbuckle his seatbelt and pull him out, because his arm was definitely broken. David couldn’t stop yelling about attacks, about bombs, about gunfire. It made Hal cry. He managed to pull them away from the wreck and onto safe grass beside the road, despite his leg. It was broken. He held David and tried to talk him down but to no avail. The person who had crashed into them was undamaged, and got out of their car to apologize and make sure everyone was okay.

They called an ambulance, and tried to help them. “Just give us some space, okay?” He was in shambles. He held David and cried while Dave lost consciousness. He told the passed out soldier everything. How much he loved him and how much it hurt to see him helpless, how much he needed him. When the ambulance got there and they were both loaded on, they had to pry him off of the unconscious man while he yelled and begged to be careful with him. In the ambulance, he held the hand of the undamaged side, and told the workers their medical information.

Hal only a fracture got a cast and was to go home that night, but David needed to be taken in for X-rays and would likely be in the hospital for another day or two. They upped the dosage for his anxiety medication again, and knew he be angry about that. The arm was a displaced fracture, and they had to do surgery. It was difficult for Hal, and he couldn’t pace because of his cast. Luckily, both of their phones miraculously survived the crash, so Hal spent most of his time in the waiting room on twitter. He posted his paypal and offered emergency commissions, half off, but people complained about how they were still expensive and how he shouldn’t be begging people for money. 

Without the money, they couldn’t pay off the cost of the repair of David’s pickup, and would have no way to get to therapy, to work, or to get groceries. He cried and cried over, he couldn’t seem to do anything right. He failed to protect his friend, his light, his love. He failed to keep him safe. Failed to keep him happy. Hal just sat in that waiting room crying, waiting for David to get out. He hated himself. It was too much for him to handle, the fact that he crashed the car, crashed the soft safety David was finally starting to feel. It was devastating. Lots of children came and went, signed his cast, trying to make him feel better when he cried. They were kind to him and gave him smiles, sometimes ones with no front teeth.

The doctors finally called him back to the hospital room that David was staying in. He gave Hal a small, tired smile when he came through the door. He was sitting up in the hospital room cot, doing a crossword. It looked like he gave up a while ago and was just scribbling on the paper. The doctors informed Hal that David had about 12 different fractures in his arm, and that surgery reduced it to about 4, and that some time in a cast would heal it right up. They left him alone with David. David had asked for a camo cast, and upon seeing it, Hal laughed weakly. “What? Never seen someone in a camouflage cast before?” He poked.

“I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. I just wanted to keep you safe, I just wanted you to be happy,” He started to cry again. “I-I just wanted to show you all the love I have for you.” Hal didn’t care that he was about to make David uncomfortable. “Because dammit David, I love you. Every morning I wake up so I can see you again, so I can see your stupid smile. I just wanted you to feel safe around me!” David just stared at Hal. “I don’t even try to hide the fact that I’ve been romantically interested in you for years anymore! I don’t because I’m just happy seeing you happy! I don’t care if you’re just another straight man that will never feel the same way about me. I just want to take care of you in ways other people failed to.” David didn’t say anything back.

Hal brought David home in a taxi and they cared for each other in silence. He slept in the same bed as the injured soldier, yet more pillows were stacked between them. Every night, Hal cried himself to sleep quietly as not to guilt Dave. His crowdfunding didn’t go how he planned. It had about 200 retweets, but not one dollar went into his paypal. Hal couldn’t bring himself to get up and eat anymore. Everything he’d ever loved went down the drain. David, of course, noticed how little he ate, and began to pack him lunches so he wouldn’t have to get up. He packed the lunch with care everyday, making sure Hal was getting proper nutrition.

David didn’t know how to feel about Hal’s confession. Of course he cared for the taller programmer, and he really did love him in a best friend type way. He wasn’t necessarily oblivious to the way that Hal treated him. He knew the man had an infatuation with him, and was definitely flattered… but he wasn’t really over Meryl. Or even sure of his sexuality anymore. It was too much for him to process. His daily bus commute to work was filled with questions to himself, and occasionally an “Am I gay?” quiz. His work day had always been filled with intrusive thoughts, but this time, they were actually messing with his ability to work. It was too much for him to handle.

When he’d get home, Hal would be hunched over his computer, working on commissions. They rarely talked or made eye contact, and Hal would avoid him in the hallway and crossing paths with him at all. He heated up his dinner after David went to bed, even though he’d make him a plate and call him to dinner. It made David guilty. He just wanted everything to be okay between the both of them, he just wanted Hal to be happy again. Days turned into weeks into a month and a half. David was finally able to get his cast off and his pickup truck from the mechanic, and Hal was told he had about two more weeks in his cast. 

Hal wasn’t really sure why David hadn’t ran away from him at this point. He stayed and continued to care for him and didn’t make him sleep in a different bed, although he kept a ton of pillows between them. Now that his arm was better and his pickup was finally picked up from the mechanic, he could’ve left Hal any time. But… he always came home and made him dinner. He always tried to smile at him, but Hal would avoid eye contact. He was still really embarrassed at what he said to David. 

Soft warm sunlight woke him up one morning. The pillow wall had been cleaned up and David was already out of bed. He could smell bacon frying. His eyelids were so heavy, he just wanted to curl back up into the bed and fall back asleep, but knew that was going to have to wake up sometime, he had commissions to work on. He swung his reclaimed legs over the side of the bed, chills running up and down his spine when they came out from under the warm blankets and hit the cold air. He could hear plates clanking around in the kitchen, and the sizzle of the bacon that tempted him to get up in the first place.

When Hal reached the dining room, David was putting some blueberry pancakes on his plate next to a few pieces of that wonderful, mouthwatering bacon. David sat down across from the younger man with his own plate. He drizzled syrup over the hot cakes and took a few bites before he set his fork down. Hal was buttering his when he met Dave’s gaze. “That’s a lot of butter Hal,” He dropped his eyes back down to focus on buttering the steaming pancakes. David sat back in his chair and crossed his arms. 

“Hal, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about what you said at the hospital two months ago.” Hal dropped his knife but quickly picked it back up, frazzled by the sudden opening between the two of them. He didn’t say anything. “We can’t hide from this anymore Hal, we need to talk about it.” He stayed quiet and poured an unreasonable amount of syrup on his pancakes. David rolled his eyes and picked up a piece of bacon. “I’m not going to be mad at anything that’s said. I just need this to be resolved, it’s tearing me apart inside, Hal.” He said before sticking the bacon in his mouth.

Hal wasn’t showing any signs of answering, so he took it upon himself to start. “I’ve been thinking about it, and I wanted to make it clear that I know you’re gay. I know you’ve been interested in me for years. Like you said, you had no intention of hiding it.” Hal struggled to swallow a bite of bacon. “You made me question myself, the very core of my being.” David leaned back over his pancakes. “Hell, I guess I’m probably interested in men, I just never really thought about it until now? It’s just… Strange, I guess.” Hal sorta choked a little. “So you’re like? Bi or something?” He managed to get out, his voice raspy from the little bit of pancake that was still caught in his throat. “I think, I mean… I don’t really know. I really like you too Hal, but I’ve never had feelings for a man before. I really don’t know if what I’m feeling is flattery or butterflies.” 

“Would you… Would you like to, well, uh,” Hal stuttered, “ Would you wanna go out on a date? You know, just to see how you like it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter will be out next tuesday or wednesday!! i hope you liked my in-class ramblings that i only read over once 
> 
> THIS IS PROBABLY HORRIBLE IM SORRY,,,,


	3. Taco Bell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hal and David's date is on a peaceful warm night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a bit of nsfw touching at the end!!

David had never really been on a real date before. He’d go out and drink and pick up girls, and Meryl happened to be one of them, but after that, all they really did was stay in. They never got along very well. Hal would be his first real committed relationship, and it made him really uneasy. He’d always been on and off, someone’s side dude, a one night stand, a friend with benefits. He didn’t want to mess anything up, or hurt Hal’s feelings, or taint the small romance blooming between the two.

That week, before their real date, they slept in the same bed again, but without the wall of pillows. Sometimes, he woke up with Hal against his chest or snuggled into his back, and he made no objections. They didn’t ignore it, they just didn’t really think about it because of how natural it felt. When they watched anime together, Hal would hold his hand and snuggle into him, while talking about the anime and plans for his next cosplay. David’s heart always skipped a beat when Hal smiled or laughed. For the first time, maybe ever, he felt like everything would be okay.

Hal had picked out his outfit for the night. On his bed, laid a sky blue button down shirt and a pair of black dress pants. David never really knew much about clothes and trusted Hal’s judgement, even though Hal wasn’t very fashionable himself. David pulled his arms through the sleeves and buttoned up the shirt all the way to the top and slipped on the dress pants over the bottom of the shirt, tucking it in. Hal knocked on the door. “Are you ready?” 

“Yeah, come on in.” Hal opened the door, he was wearing a plain black shirt and a pair of faded ripped jeans, with a grey cardigan over it all. It was a good look for him. “No no no, David, you can’t go out like that. It looks like you’re going to a business meeting.” His walk was more confident, and he wore a big smile as he approached Dave. Hal unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt and pulled up his sleeves. It definitely felt better, and he didn’t feel so tight and restrained. 

David grinned at Hal and took his hand. “Are you ready to go?” Hal nodded and they walked hand and hand out to the pickup truck. As David pulled himself into the pickup truck, his soft expression hardened. In a way, he was afraid. He knew his life was safe in Hal’s hands, but in the army, he was taught that he should never trust anyone but himself. He knew it was bullshit, that he could trust Hal. But for some reason, he couldn’t trust himself. He couldn’t trust himself to keep Hal happy, to keep him safe to-

Hal put his hand on his knee, to ease him. “Hey, it’ll be okay. We can back out of this any time.” David knew he was right. He had to breathe, he had to trust himself to treat Hal well. It was what both of them wanted. He put the truck into reverse and pulled out of the driveway, and began to drive. Hal turned on the radio, and some mindless song played softly over the speakers. Both of them hated it, but neither bothered to change it. They both wore a big stupid smile, excited for their date to begin.

Hal directed David to a gay bar. It was a saturday night, so it was packed. Hal shut off the radio and took a breath. “Okay David, I want you to know something.” David shut off the truck. “I used to be a regular here. I went a lot when I was lonely, without you. I haven’t been here since you moved in.” He paused. “I want you to know that a I’ve hooked up with a few of these men, I’ve dated some of them. I don’t want you to get upset by that.” David gave him a soft look. “You know that I don’t care about that Hal, it’s your life, you’re allowed to do what you want. Who am I to get mad at that?” Hal’s body eased and he smiled.

Out of the truck, Hal coached Dave. “I need you to hold me like a rich man holds his trophy wife.” David stared blankly at him. “Okay, I guess I need to show you.” Hal positioned himself hip to hip to him, and took his arm and put it around his waist. “This way, people know that I’m not available, and neither are you.” David nodded, sort of frozen from the intimate contact. “But, you’re taller than me.” Hal laughed. “But you’re the top.” Hal laughed to himself like he just told a stupid joke. Why was he so confident? It made David flustered. He’s never this confident in himself.

He made sure that they were hip to hip as they walked into the building, the bumping of the trashy trap music making already shaking his insides. Inside was even louder. Hal steered him towards the bar. The music was too loud and it scared David. Hal watched as his eyes widened and his arms dropped from Hal’s body, and Hal immediately steered him out of the building. David couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t stop shaking. He was about to cry, his body shuddered and shook and he could feel himself start to slip into a flashback. Hal took his cheek into his hand. “Hey, it’s okay, I’m here.” Hal’s voice was soft and kind, and David was able to take a breath.

Hal guided him kindly back to the truck, using his voice and kind words to bring David down from his flashback. It was all he could do in the moment. Their night out could wait, making Dave feel safe was all he could do. David’s shaking and sobbing slowly turned to sniffling. “Hey, sweetheart,” sweetheart… “It’s okay. You’re safe. We don’t have to go back in there.” He eased David into the passenger side of the cab on the truck. “You’re safe, you’re with me. We’re right here Dave. You’re gonna be alright.”

Hal got into the driver’s seat and took the keys from David, who had finally recovered and found his bearings. He started the truck and pulled out of the parking lot of the club. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t know the bass would give you a flashback.” David wiped his eyes. “It’s okay, I didn’t know either. I’m sorry I ruined our night out.” Hal laughed. “Are you kidding? I didn’t want to go there anyways. I thought it’d be best to go somewhere with a bar since you like to drink.” David let out a relieved sigh. “Still, that music was trash. Who listens to that crap? I knew you wouldn’t like it David, but I didn’t know it’d do that to you!” Dave smiled. “It should be outlawed,” Hal said in a fake, angry voice, and David laughed. 

“I’m really hungry,” He said. “If anything, I’d like to go out to eat.” Hal glanced over at him. “What would you want then?” He asked, expecting something fancy. “Taco bell.” Hal blinked. “Taco bell? On a first date?” He snickered, and turned the truck around. “Well, yeah, why not? We’ve been out to eat loads of times as friends to super fancy steakhouses, why can’t we go to Taco Bell as boyfriends?” Hal’s brain tripped on the word boyfriend. “Y-You realize that the times I took you out to those steakhouses was to try to get into your head so you’d date me, right?” David burst into a cackle. 

The taco bell was quiet inside, and it immediately put David at ease. Hal was happy that he felt better, and they were doing something they both wanted. That was all he wanted. That, and a seven layer burrito. The two of them were the only people in there, so their food was fresh and hot. David held Hal’s hand across the table as he ate his tacos and nachos. This wasn’t how Hal expected the night to go, but had no objection to it. They joked and laughed, eating lots of food and enjoying each other’s company. It was almost difficult to pull away from their small reality when they finished their food.

The drive back home was mostly a comfortable silence. There were little laughs and phrases from jokes told at taco bell repeated into the air. All that David felt inside was a warm glow, and a happiness he’s never felt before. He looked over at Hal in the passenger seat, his head propped up on his hand with a small smirk on his face. David’s heart skipped a beat and he felt whole. He swerved the truck a little to catch Hal’s attention. “Hey!! Don’t do that!” He punched Dave in the arm and they both laughed. It was a perfect, beautiful clear night. The windows of the truck were rolled down and the soft, warm breeze ruffled through their hair. 

In those moments, nothing else existed. Nothing but the connection between Hal and David, as friends, as partners, as lovers. Hal and Dave, Dave and Hal. That was all that was important. All that they needed. The truck parking was silent, and they walked hip to hip towards the house. Something between them had changed, the chemistry in the air between them had become needy, hot and heavy. Hal fumbled with the keys to unlock the door, and once it got unlocked he pushed it open with the free side of his hips. 

Suddenly their eyes locked, and David knew where Hal was going with this. The door was pushed shut with his foot. All he could do, or even think about was putting his hands all over Hal. Hal had the same thoughts, or, lack of thoughts David did. “Can I uh, David,” There was heavy breath between them already. “Can I kiss you?” He nodded, and Hal slowly leaned into the soft lip contact. David hungirly kissed back. Hal had read enough fanfiction to know that his mouth was supposed to taste like cigarettes or something, but all he could taste was guac.

Hal laughed to himself as David just kissed him, so overwhelmed by how good Hal’s lips felt on him. Hal was familiar to him, his hands, but touching Hal this way was something completely foreign to him. Hal’s kisses went down from his lips to his neck, but David stopped him. “What you said earlier, uh,” He muttered, “I uh, I don’t really know much about tops and bottoms.” Hal paused, before snickering. David was serious. “Why are you laughing at me?” Hal didn’t try to keep it in this time and cackled. 

“I think the best way to do this is…” He trailed off while pushing David into a wall with a mischievous look on his face. David nervously let himself back, looking up at Hal. “T-This doesn’t really answer my question…” Hal shushed him. He knew he could trust him, but was still unsure. “Hey baby,” that word gave him chills. “It’ll be okay, you can trust me.” David took a deep breath and Hal pressed up against his body, securing him between Hal and the wall. It was a strange feeling to be dominated even a little bit. He’d always been on top for all the women he’s been with, but being pushed like this by Hal made the fire in his stomach burn hotter than ever. Or that could’ve been the Taco Bell.

David wasn’t sure, something about this made him uncomfortable, almost trapped. “Hal, I-” He shushed him again, and continued to kiss his neck and put his hand up his shirt. “No, really-” Hal didn’t listen. “Hal, please-” “Be patient David.” He wanted Hal to be happy, but he couldn’t have sex with Hal. Not like this. Not after the club incident. “Seriously Hal-” He cut him off again, but David pushed him off in defense. “I can’t!” He may have pushed Hal too hard. Hal fell to the floor and his glasses slid across the cold tile of the kitchen. He didn’t even bother to ask if Hal was okay before rushing back to his room.

He pressed his back against the door and sat in front of it. He heard Hal sigh and stand. At least he wasn’t physically hurt. David buried his face in his hands. Hal walked back into his own room and softly shut the door. Dave didn’t mean to hurt his feelings. Hal didn’t mean to push his boundaries. They probably weren’t ready for anything anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEWW..... I updated sooner than I thought but I was just on a roll haha... pwease leave a kudos and share maybe :(


	4. Dining Room

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> David and Hal discuss David's outburst.

David sat in his bed alone. He slept until around noon, but it was fine, it was saturday. He didn’t want to deal with the situation he created between him and Hal. The night before, he heard Hal cry himself to sleep. He hurt his feelings, and he felt really bad. Although he felt trapped against the wall, he thought that if he just took it, everything would be okay. If he had tried harder to communicate with Hal, maybe it would’ve been more comfortable for the both of them. He knew this wasn’t either of their fault. He didn’t want Hal to think so.

He wanted to make everything go back to normal, and for the most part, it did. They quit talking to each other again. Like before, eye contact wasn’t even made. Hal went back into his shell. David wanted to reach out to him, but was unsure how to without hurting his feelings more. Hal continued to quietly work on cosplay and commissions in his corner of the living room, and David spent his days on his phone in his room. He lurked on Meryl’s page. She had a girlfriend, and all her captions were all stuff like “Smash the patriarchy!!” and “The future is female!!” David, for the most part, was happy for them, but on the other hand, he was jealous. He was jealous that he couldn’t have love like they had, with Hal. Things just kept going wrong. 

He took his anger out in the garage. The stereotypical red punching bag they kept in the corner was set up and layers of tape were added every week. He did maybe 50 push ups every morning. David’s softness faded, and it was replaced by hard lines, the muscles he had in the military. It was the only mindless activity he knew. The exercise was the only thing he could control. Most of the time, he cried. He cried during his runs, during a punching bag session, during his pushups. There was so much anger, but he could never get it all out, and he didn’t know why until he stopped taking his meds. 

He forgot to take them that morning, and the morning after, and the morning after. His hits on the punching bag were ten times harder, and this time, it broke. The top part where the chain hooked broke off and it landed on it’s side, and he sat on the cold concrete and wailed. Hal could hear him swearing from his station in the living room, and thought he was hurt, so he rushed to the garage. Upon opening the door, he said “David, is everything okay? Are you hurt?” David just sobbed in response. It was all he could get out. Hal approached him. “David?” As hard as he tried, he couldn’t get anything but sobs out. Hal sat next to him, the coldness of the floor giving him goosebumps. 

Hal reluctantly put his arm around him, making sure he was comfortable. David didn’t pull away, and Hal put his other hand on his bicep. He took a deep breath. “Hey, I’m sorry.” David just sniffed and put his head on his shoulder. He wanted to be the one to apologize. Hal didn’t deserve to be hurt, and he knew that. “It’s okay David. It’ll be okay.” Although his mind was clouded with a million different things, he decided to focus on Hal. Hal’s touch and kindness was all that mattered right then.

\--------------

In a standoffish way, David and Hal sat across the table from each other. On the table sat two little white pills and a glass of water. Hal knew he should make a matrix reference, but David needed to take both pills. So much for that joke. David wouldn’t look at them, or at Hal. He just pretended that the situation didn’t exist. “What can I do to make you take these? What do you want?” David pretended he couldn’t hear him. Hal rolled his eyes. He got up and went to the fridge. “Do you want them on a spoonful of ice cream? Yogurt?” David reached across the table and took his pills to get Hal to stop. Hal closed the fridge and came back to the table, and leaned on the back of a chair. 

“I’m sorry. About the other night. I didn’t realize.” David finished the glass of water. “It’s okay, I didn’t either. I thought I could handle it.” The tension between them practically evaporated, yet they stayed quiet. David savored the forgiving silence, it was so nice to finally get the slight closure he longed for in a way that was hassle free. “Hal, I’ve been meaning to tell you, this wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t mine either, we just didn’t know each other’s boundaries yet.” Hal didn’t want to accept that this wasn’t his fault, but it made him feel better. 

“I just thought you were impatient. I didn’t mean to upset you.” Hal muttered. David patted his hand. It was quiet. Hal fidgeted, and David traced the rim of his cup. “I think we should try again.” Hal broke the silence. “Hm?” Dave paused. “I think we should forget the other night.” Hal hesitated, testing the waters. He looked at David. “I think we should just…” He couldn’t say what he wanted to. David sort of nodded, gesturing that he sort of understood him. Sort of. Hal wasn’t convinced.

“I just don’t want this to come between us. I had more fun with you at taco bell than any rich gay boy at a super fancy restaurant.” David lifted his glass to get the last drop of water sitting at the bottom. Hal continued. “I just like being with you and making you happy, but I just can’t rip myself away from mind.” He took a deep breath. “I guess what I’m trying to say is, we shouldn’t keep ourselves from loving each other because we’re afraid of hurting each other.”

“I don’t know, Hal.” David said, breaking eye contact. “It’s difficult for me to trust myself, let alone anybody else. Believe me, I’d love to be in a relationship with you. I’d love to trust you and put my life in your hands.” He stood, wearily, the feeling of the intense exercise getting to his legs and his back. “I don’t think I’m ready.” He wobbled, but stabilized himself on the table. “It’s not you, it’s me, ecettera. I just need some time to think about… all of this.” He slowly walked to his room, grunting at his sore muscles.

David listened to Hal sigh and sniff out in the dining room. He laid down in bed, the soft matress soothing some of his aches and pains. All he wanted to do was go out and tell Hal how much he wanted to date, how much he wanted Hal’s body against his, everything he felt about Hal, but he just couldn’t bring himself to. Not only that, but his body just about gave out over the sudden, intense exercise he had subjected himself to. All he could do was cry. And he cried, and cried, and cried himself into a deep, dreamless sleep.

\------------------------

Hal’s day consisted of stress eating ramen and watching anime he just couldn’t bring himself to focus on. At that point, it was just background noise. He was just… too exhausted. He took a break from commissons and told his following online that he was taking a mental health day. More like mental destruction day. Hal cleaned up the house, and gathered his things from David’s room as he slept. Laundry was done, the dishes were done too. Everything was clean and Hal turned off the TV. He got up and made himself go to his own room, instead of David’s. It was painful for him.

He closed the door behind him and crawled into his own bed, which was forgien and cold. He sat on his phone for a bit, looking through encouraging comments on his tweet. The house was quiet for a bit, but Hal just couldn’t shake a horribly guilty feeling. He listened to David toss and turn and whimper at his nightmares. He wasn’t going to get up and help. David wouldn’t want him to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this update took so long. i ran into some social media drama and some mental health issues and was afraid to use this username again. also, it's not as long as i'd like it to be, but i needed to get something done. actually, i'm going to be very committed to writing this over the summer. i'm thinking of making this fic really really long, since there aren't really very many really long otasune fics out there. one more thing, i'm planning to start a domestic bosselot or bbkaz fanfic sometime soon, but i'm not really sure exactly what the plot will be or when i'll start it. anyways, i'm excited to continue working on this!! let me know what you think :)


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